It's been almost three months since I started this blog. I think my sink has been clean and shiny quite a few times, but not as much as I would like. I feel like...lately, I can understand why some moms just give up and stop. Why some children are neglected. We need HELP. I need help. Every day the last few weeks, since being sick, I have been ready to walk away.
I love my children so much. I know this is what God has called me to. Yet I cannot seem to get it 'right.' Every day I lose my temper. I get so angry at the mess in here. And whenever I start to try to clean something up, I get interrupted by needs about 15 times in a row. So what I started doesn't get done. So I would rather surf the internet and casually check on my little ones every few seconds than try to focus on getting a chore done and be interrupted. For some reason it is different to me.
I am utterly lacking in self-control--the ability to control my emotions. I wish I could wake up tomorrow morning and be an entirely different person than I am right now. I wish I could wake up and be a mom who had routines down and could actually focus on her children while also seamlessly getting housework done. And not thinking of the kids as distractions to getting those things done, but seeing them as my primary responsibility. Instead, I see them as interruptions most of the day. How is that the right perspective? I know that is completely wrong! But that is my attitude half the time.
On top of it all, I am totally fatigued every day. Yet every time I try to be firm about "lights out" at 10, it doesn't work. My hubby doesn't really seem to believe anything I say, or take me seriously, when I tell him how I am about to quit, at the end of my rope, etc. when I say I want to go to bed extra early...just one ear and out the other, it seems.
I know I need the Lord more than I ever have my entire life right now. It's so hard for me to pursue Him when I'm afraid. I listened to a sermon the other day that said that that is our perpetual problem--we are afraid (in the wrong way), fearful, of God. That is me to a "t." I am afraid He wants perfection from me. And I fail Him all the time. My priorities are not right and I know it.
I need Your help, Lord, to have the right perspective. To have the motivation to keep up with things. To understand that my husband and children need to be my top priorities. Help me, God.
