It's been almost three months since I started this blog. I think my sink has been clean and shiny quite a few times, but not as much as I would like. I feel like...lately, I can understand why some moms just give up and stop. Why some children are neglected. We need HELP. I need help. Every day the last few weeks, since being sick, I have been ready to walk away.
I love my children so much. I know this is what God has called me to. Yet I cannot seem to get it 'right.' Every day I lose my temper. I get so angry at the mess in here. And whenever I start to try to clean something up, I get interrupted by needs about 15 times in a row. So what I started doesn't get done. So I would rather surf the internet and casually check on my little ones every few seconds than try to focus on getting a chore done and be interrupted. For some reason it is different to me.
I am utterly lacking in self-control--the ability to control my emotions. I wish I could wake up tomorrow morning and be an entirely different person than I am right now. I wish I could wake up and be a mom who had routines down and could actually focus on her children while also seamlessly getting housework done. And not thinking of the kids as distractions to getting those things done, but seeing them as my primary responsibility. Instead, I see them as interruptions most of the day. How is that the right perspective? I know that is completely wrong! But that is my attitude half the time.
On top of it all, I am totally fatigued every day. Yet every time I try to be firm about "lights out" at 10, it doesn't work. My hubby doesn't really seem to believe anything I say, or take me seriously, when I tell him how I am about to quit, at the end of my rope, etc. when I say I want to go to bed extra early...just one ear and out the other, it seems.
I know I need the Lord more than I ever have my entire life right now. It's so hard for me to pursue Him when I'm afraid. I listened to a sermon the other day that said that that is our perpetual problem--we are afraid (in the wrong way), fearful, of God. That is me to a "t." I am afraid He wants perfection from me. And I fail Him all the time. My priorities are not right and I know it.
I need Your help, Lord, to have the right perspective. To have the motivation to keep up with things. To understand that my husband and children need to be my top priorities. Help me, God.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Change Yourself First
My sink is now shiny.
Sparkly and clean. I did it yesterday after a long hiatus.
See, I just had my second kid. I am determined to give them structure and teach them self-discipline. Problem is, I need to teach myself some first.
I grew up in an alcoholic home. Things were okay up until my freshman year, when we lost almost everything we owned because my dad quit his job and then didn't really find another one for years. The lack of anything reliable in my family's life led all of us to exist in survival mode. I moved out at 17 and went to college, and after many more years of spontaneity and no real schedule (besides class), I landed here. Married. With children. A mommy who wants to home school someday but can't even get herself dressed in the morning.
How do I begin? Well, about a year ago I read a book by a woman known as the "Fly Lady" to her followers. My old co-workers had told me about her and I had briefly given her website a look once or twice, but delving into her book, entitled Sink Reflections, really gave me a better understanding of what she is about. Basically, she is like the nicest cleaning drill-sergeant one could ever come across. I found her guidelines to be just what I needed to begin changing my habits and actually building some good ones. And when I fell off the bandwagon, I could go back and know grace--her words had the spirit of the grace and mercy of God. "You're never behind; just jump in wherever you are." I need that grace if I am going to be able to have the motivation to keep trying, to keep getting back on my feet and doing better. I was able to start forming some good habits like making my bed and washing dishes and changing towels on a regular basis! But when we moved to another state, I fell off the bandwagon, and have not returned since.
So far it sounds like I myself suffer from some sort of addiction, and I guess you could say I do. It's perfection. What? you may exclaim. Let me explain. If I don't have the time or space or energy to do whatever task at hand perfectly, I just don't do it. Fly Lady helped me see that (another quote) even housework done imperfectly still blesses your family. Yes. This blog is going to be my accountability for forming basic habits like keeping the house in order, the dishes done, the family fed, and my teeth (and maybe hair?) brushed. With some other thoughts thrown in for good measure.
Today my sink is clean. And my baby is clean too! There are lots of dishes next to the sink to be cleaned, a floor to be swept and mopped, laundry to be put away, a bed to be made, and a shower to take. There is a checkbook to be balanced and clutter to be rid of and toys to be put back in their bins. But for now I will take a breather and move on from the sink. It is my hub. From that one task maybe I can start changing myself again.
Sparkly and clean. I did it yesterday after a long hiatus.
See, I just had my second kid. I am determined to give them structure and teach them self-discipline. Problem is, I need to teach myself some first.
I grew up in an alcoholic home. Things were okay up until my freshman year, when we lost almost everything we owned because my dad quit his job and then didn't really find another one for years. The lack of anything reliable in my family's life led all of us to exist in survival mode. I moved out at 17 and went to college, and after many more years of spontaneity and no real schedule (besides class), I landed here. Married. With children. A mommy who wants to home school someday but can't even get herself dressed in the morning.
How do I begin? Well, about a year ago I read a book by a woman known as the "Fly Lady" to her followers. My old co-workers had told me about her and I had briefly given her website a look once or twice, but delving into her book, entitled Sink Reflections, really gave me a better understanding of what she is about. Basically, she is like the nicest cleaning drill-sergeant one could ever come across. I found her guidelines to be just what I needed to begin changing my habits and actually building some good ones. And when I fell off the bandwagon, I could go back and know grace--her words had the spirit of the grace and mercy of God. "You're never behind; just jump in wherever you are." I need that grace if I am going to be able to have the motivation to keep trying, to keep getting back on my feet and doing better. I was able to start forming some good habits like making my bed and washing dishes and changing towels on a regular basis! But when we moved to another state, I fell off the bandwagon, and have not returned since.
So far it sounds like I myself suffer from some sort of addiction, and I guess you could say I do. It's perfection. What? you may exclaim. Let me explain. If I don't have the time or space or energy to do whatever task at hand perfectly, I just don't do it. Fly Lady helped me see that (another quote) even housework done imperfectly still blesses your family. Yes. This blog is going to be my accountability for forming basic habits like keeping the house in order, the dishes done, the family fed, and my teeth (and maybe hair?) brushed. With some other thoughts thrown in for good measure.
Today my sink is clean. And my baby is clean too! There are lots of dishes next to the sink to be cleaned, a floor to be swept and mopped, laundry to be put away, a bed to be made, and a shower to take. There is a checkbook to be balanced and clutter to be rid of and toys to be put back in their bins. But for now I will take a breather and move on from the sink. It is my hub. From that one task maybe I can start changing myself again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)